Nice writing here Kathleen – you’re getting the bareboned emotion into language that is familiar but through a narrative that is anything but. That can be challenging. It puts me in mind of one of my mentors – P.H. of the writing program at that school back East with which we’re familiar – it’s the type of writing he would certainly be interested in and would encourage. And I feel the same way about it – it makes me want to have more.
Keep at it – it’s captivating.