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*Courtesy of my genius pal, Shasta, over at majorweather:

HOUSE BILL NO. 751 Offered January 14, 2004 Prefiled January 14, 2004 A BILL to amend the Code of Virginia by adding in Chapter 2 of Title 20 a section numbered 20-12.1, relating to the Affirmation of Marriage Act for the Commonwealth of Virginia ——————– A translation by Shasta Turner. ——————–

Whereas, “same sex” unions will cause a Gay Apocalypse, with “horses” and “riders” and everything, but we don’t really have any evidence of that, so we’re just going to make some shit up and then throw in an example of a gay high school student that has nothing to do with civil unions, but we sure do think it’s scary; and

Whereas, we loves us some Rick Santorum, but not in THAT way; and

Whereas, gay people don’t really want to make permanent commitments to each other or have things like hospital visitation rights, because they’re just trying to make fun of us, and it’s not our fault we don’t know the difference between Gucci and Prada; and where all married heterosexuals are monogamous, including us, except for at that one office party, but that doesn’t count, because we were really drunk; and where everyone knows that gay people have lots and lots of sex with lots and lots of other gay people, and promiscuity is bad for society unless we’re the ones getting laid; and

Whereas, a penis fits nicely within a vagina; where it has been revealed throughout the ages by various deities, some fake, one real, that a penis fits nicely within a vagina; and where the failure to be awed by that truth is bad for the sacred union of penises and vaginas; and

Whereas, we wish gay people would be gay where our kids can’t see them being all faggy, because watching people be gay makes regular folks–except us–want to be gay; and where our children must be protected from the tractor beam of gayness; and

Whereas, gay people can already give their stuff to other gay people, and we’re ignoring things like tax laws here, because gay people probably don’t pay their taxes anyway; and where gay people contribute to the moral decay of society by convincing our youths to become “male ice skaters” or “feminists” or “independent filmmakers”; and where didn’t you hear us when we were talking about the lots and lots of sex that all gay people have; and where we have to stop them, for God’s sake, I mean, give them an inch, and they’ll take six; now, therefore

Be it enacted by the General Assembly of Virginia:

1. That the Code of Virginia is amended by adding in Chapter 2 of Title 20 a section numbered 20-12.1 as follows:

§ 20-12.1. Marriage; legislative findings.

The General Assembly finds that the public policy of the Commonwealth of Virginia is best expressed by the phrase, “Marriage: It’s what’s for dinner. As long as dinner is hot dogs and bagels.”

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